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February
The City-Side Alliance 10th February 2006
Are cocks crowing in the city a cause for concern?
Having been unceremoniously ejected from my nice and cosy Jubilee Line carriage at Baker Street, I find myself slumped grumpily on a 98 bus as it stumbles nervously along Oxford Street. Steeling myself, I valiantly attempt to resume my pre-work, mid-journey, commuter-style application of lash-lengthening mascara, interspersed with the occasional slurp of a skinny latte. Ten pot-holes, 43 cyclists, 4 speed humps and one emergency stop later I abandon aforementioned coffee ‘n’ cosmetic tasks in a bit to minimise slippage and spillage stains to both face and clothing. I’m a bit miffed at this crude disruption of my daily routine but decide to make the most of my prime, front seat, top deck, above ground, Oxford Street location by peering into every shop window I pass and performing a critical examination of the state of the window displays. After minutes of aimless gawping I decide to inject some form of structure into this pursuit and begin comparing and contrasting the varying shapes, sizes and positions of the decidedly anaemic collection of shop dummies with the aim of identifying the least biologically improbable. I’m rather getting into my role as ruthless mannequin examiner when a rather strange noise rouses me from my task…

“Cock-a-doodle-dOO!”

Suddenly I’m in a field, propped up against a haystack, a sprig of corn tucked nattily behind my ear.

“Cock-a-doodle-dOO!”

There it goes again and this time I’m catapulted into a Thomas Hardy novel, flouncing around a country churchyard in a flowing skirt with a basket full of rosy red apples on my arm.

“Cock-a-doodle-dOO!”

As the cock crows thrice I find myself wholeheartedly denying my top-deck location and am thrown ever deeper into my rural reverie. I’m about to mount a combine harvester and start… well, er, combine harvesting, when my brain (or what’s left of it) kicks in. You don’t get cocks crowing in central London. You don’t even get cocks crowing in central Hampstead (well not cockerels). I climb off my combine harvester and start examining the crowded pavements of Oxford Street for a large pigeon with great vocal projection and a talent for avian mimicry – the Rory Bremer of the bird world. No pigeon in sight. Then I realise this loud crowing, this ill-timed cockerel call, is coming from a fellow bus-passenger’s mobile phone. Extraordinary. I’m still querying this peculiar choice of ring-tone as I open up my copy of the day’s Metro. An article about Londoners being the country’s biggest buyers of 4 x 4 vehicles takes my eye. Apparently 16% of us living in the capital plan to acquire an off-road car in the next year. Now I begin to crow! What on earth for, I cock-a-doodle-dOO! in my head? To negotiate the dirt tracks of Notting Hill? To conquer the rough, jagged terrain of Primrose Hill? To mount the steep, swerving streets of Penge? 4 x 4s use more petrol, have bigger engines, give off more pollution and are more likely to kill you if they run into you. Nice. Add to this the fact that they are totally unnecessary in a city and you’ve got to agree with Ken Livingstone’s pronouncement that Londoners who drive them around the capital are “idiots!”.

So we’ve got “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” ring-tones clogging up our ears, “Chelsea tractors" clogging up our streets – it’s almost like Londoners are trying to pretend the capital is some rural idyll and not the fantastic, frenzied, cramped, crowded and appropriately concreted capital city it undeniably is. True – it has some lovely sprawling parks and city farms, but however deeply you entrench yourself in these glorious green expanses you are still aware of their location in the heart of a beautifully, bustling city. This is what makes them so great. London is a city and a top city at that. Let’s celebrate its identity and not pretend we’re somewhere we’re not. Ditch the foul-themed ring tones and dump the 4x4s. Hop on a 98 bus, grab yourself a seat on the top deck, take a few minutes to glance along Oxford Street and remember where you are - in the heart of one of the best cities in the world.

Besides who wants to live in the country? Far too dirty.

“Cock-a-doodle-dOO!”

Hang on, is that my phone…?
Mace Polished Off
The symbolising authority of the Kenyan Parliament – a valuable mace – has been taken out of the country and traced to London. The treasure – without which the Kenyan Parliament cannot sit – was flown to the UK capital for extra-special polishing at a cost of 2million Kenyan Shillings. The Criminal Investigations Department is investigating the way in which the mace left Parliament.
Making Mincemeat of Picasso
A Picasso valued at 2.5 million pounds lost out to the painting of a beef carcass at Christie's International which launched a week of London auctions this month. The meaty masterpiece was sold to a hungry telephone bidder for a record 7.8 million pounds while the Picasso remained unsold.
Traditional Tunes for Tasteful Tots
An opera written just for children opened at The Royal Opera House his month. The performance of ‘Gentle Giant’ is aimed at youngsters aged seven and up and will kick off a UK tour. Tickets will cost between £5 and £8.
2009
2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
23rd September
Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
16th September
The London Restaurant Awards
26th August
No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
20th August
The Olympics
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
9th September
Of Poles and Twiglets
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
4th August
Archway To Organic Heaven
21st July
London - Celebrity Frat House
7th July
Out of the Galleries into the Streets
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
28th October
Trick or Treat?
21st October
We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
9th September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor
30th August
Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium
20th August
Getting Behind the Iron Farce
10th August
Mystery Play is No Sell Out
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
24th June
New Balls, Please
17th June
The End of an Unsightly Era
10th June
The Hooded Law
31st May
Widespread Diso-’Beeb’-ience
20th May
Pass the Pepper Spray
20th May
Black Theatre Breakthrough
27th April
Five More Years
20th April
Dancing with Idiots
12th April
A Youthful Look at the Theatre
30th March
Musical Communion
23rd March
Big Guns Back in Town
10th March
Celebs in the City
28th February
There's no business like showbusiness!
22nd February
Ken You Believe It?
10th February
Make Poverty History
28th January
Loving It!
21st January
The Great West End Ticketing Scandal
14th January
The Triumph of the Ordinary
2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
16th December
Sadie's Year
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
14th November
Smoked out
22nd October
Yuppie Meal
15th October
Fines of Fury
8th October
No Twist in the Turner
17th September
Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
10th September
Clique Week
3rd September
Return of the Bard
20th August
Politics Takes Centre Stage
13th August
Crisis in Theatreland
6th August
Journey's End
23rd July
Healing Waters
16th July
Mandela Statue in Doubt
9th July
From Art to Ashes
2nd July
One Hurdle Nearer to Gold
 
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