Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere

Can the nanny state cope with my state of mind?

I was a late adopter of the Oyster Card – like so many Londoners my immediate reaction to London Underground telling me to do something is to give them a taste of their own medicine and delay it as long as possible.

So a few months ago I finally bought one, topped it up with my hard-earned cash, and learnt the trick of swooping it across the reader without taking it out of the rather dinky little suede wallet I bought for it. And then I lost it. And then I lost my next one a few days later. And another one a few days after that, when I hadn’t even had anything to drink! An unusually perky Station Assistant pitched to get me to fork out for a monthly Oyster, but I brusquely refused him, since this would just exacerbate the problem.

It’s not that it’s going to break the bank, and any lefty conspiracy-theorist will tell you that it’s good to lose these things occasionally… stops Them from tracking your movements. I’m just worried about what’s going to happen when they bring out the ID card. Am I going to have to start stockpiling tinned food, unable to leave the house because I left my ID card in Sketch after my friend’s birthday? Will I come under suspicion of ID trading every time I have a bad month and have to apply for a new one three or four times? Will they even fit in attractive mini-wallets with discreet designer logos on the side?

Though I suspect that actually the capital is going to be rather a good place to avoid all this stuff. We’ve all grown up being hemmed in by health and safety, and we’ve all learnt just how ingenious Londoners can be at ignoring and bending the law. I somehow can’t picture the home of the protest march and the orbital rave as a place where people will just give up their cigarettes, carry their cards and smile at the CCTV.

And yes, I know it’s all for our benefit, but we wouldn’t be British if we didn’t drag our feet and complain, and we certainly wouldn’t be Londoners if we didn’t find some way of bending the law as close to breaking point as it will go.

Are You Being Sentenced?

Oxford Street department store Selfridges has agreed, in theory, to install 10 cells inside its shop. The arrangement, reached with Metropolitan Police, means that the store will be able to hold suspected Oxford Street shoplifters and credit card fraudsters on its premises.

Ginger Nuts

It sounds like an April Fool, and maybe it is, but rumour has it that the Oxford Street Plaza is to host a special weekend on April 1st and April 2nd devoted to red-heads. Head on down for your chance to vote for your celebrity carrot-top.

Capability Townies

Neglected public areas of south London are being spruced up by a team of guerrilla gardeners. Under the cover of darkness the green-fingered gang brighten up verges, roundabouts and traffic islands using a lethal arsenal of begonias, bulbs and Baby Bio.

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