Vegging Out

We won't be getting our hands dirty this summer, Ken

News from City Hall that Mayor Ken has set aside £3.75 million to improve the capital’s diet and improve sustainability at the same time – we’re all going to be encouraged to grow our own produce. And I absolutely agree with him that Londoners need to lose weight. If those middle-aged businessmen could rein in their beer bellies by just a couple more inches, think how much more space there’d be on the tube in the morning. And you might be a bit less sweaty as well, guys, if you dug a few more vegetables, and ate a bit more salad. Sweat-patches on your shirt, and a belly straining against your belt is not a good look.

But can anyone see the teensy flaw in this plan? Anyone? Yes, that’s absolutely right. Most London gardens are slightly smaller than a postage stamp, and covered with inorganic, inedible concrete. In those areas of London where people actually do have gardens (Highgate, Chiswick, Dulwich), people are obliged to turn them into immaculately manicured floral displays, so that when their neighbours come round to talk about property prices, drink Pimms and discuss their teenage children’s drug habits, they have some kind of attractive distraction from the terrible inanity of their lives.

And do you know what London’s many bicycle-riding, kaftan-wearing, Amadou and Mariam-listening types do when they want something organic? They get in their cars, drive to the farmers market, and pick up something grown in the countryside. If it has a lttle bit of earth on it, so much the better, but they wouldn’t dream of chewing down on anything that had touched the poisoned soil of London. And I think I agree with them. Look at the state of our pigeons, Ken, and tell me that anything that grows in London can possibly be good for you.

So what are we to do about thinning out those rush-hour chubsters? I have an infinitely simpler solution. Let's spend that money on moving the ticket barriers closer together and keep the fatties out. Make them walk to work a few times, and the weight will simply fall off! Women and children, being smaller, will largely be unnaffected, which is only fair. We take quite enough stick about our size, and the poor kids have had to put up with Jamie Oliver force-feeding them courgettes all year. For once it's those fat cityboys who'll have to think about shaking a few pounds.

I think we're all agreed, it's an elegant solution, for an elegant London - and one that means I won't have to get dirt under my fingernails.

Tom’s Pranks

A cryptic note has been found in the autograph book of Fairfield Halls in Croydon, where filming for ‘The Da Vinci Code’ took place last October. Written by the film’s Oscar-winning star, Tom Hanks, the note reads: "Ah! Croydon! Film-making! The 3 go together. Tom Hanks. The Da Vinci Code, Oct 7, 2005."

Shell-Shocked Survivor

A tortoise from west London survived a spectacular journey through a waste processing plant, having made his nest among newspapers in a recycling box. Murphy - the reckless, recycled reptile – was spotted when he emerged (virtually unscathed) on a conveyor belt heading for the dreaded compressor.

London in the Limelight

Due to high production costs in France, Woody Allen is set to base his next film in London. Filming for the £10.9 million movie starring British actors Ewan McGregor, Colin Farrell and Tom Wilkinson, starts in London next month.

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