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June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 23rd June 2006
Simon Cowell and the two biggest jobs in London
Reality television is a wonderful thing, a true miracle of 21st century civilisation. Real human beings now live entirely in harmony with one another, all their bad and aggressive feelings happily steered away from their colleagues, acquaintances and former lovers and directed towards that plastic-boobed psycho Nikki from Big Brother.

But in the wrong hands, even the modern world’s finest creations can be used for evil. And right now, the benign power of reality TV is about to wreak untold damage in the hands of two hugely sinister figures: Andrew Lloyd Webber and David Cameron.

In spite of the fact that Webber last wrote a decent song when we had a socialist government (ask your parents), he has retained his iron grip on London’s theatreland through investing smartly in some excellent shows by other people. His latest wheeze is a stage production of ‘The sound of Music'. ‘Good idea!’ I hear you cry. ‘It’s the best musical ever. It’ll be amazing on the stage’.

Except... the role of Maria is to be cast by open audition and public vote. And we all know what that means. Transvestites! Enormous silicone implants! People who wobble every note and make mad breathy noises! I mean, I love Jade Goody as much as anyone, but if they let the public start text-messaging in their votes, she’d be a shoe-in, and I for one do not fancy having my memories of ‘The Hills are Alive…’ ruined by a gravel-voiced simpleton from Bermondsey, however entertaining she may be after three bottles of white wine.

And then there’s David Cameron, who went to Eton, and has probably never watched a reality TV show, or had a conversation with an ordinary Londoner other than “The Ritz, please, my good man. And there’s a shiny sovereign in it for you if I’m there in less than half an hour.”

He’s decided that the Tory candidate for London mayor will be decided by public vote, in an ‘X-Facor-style audition’. And we all know what that means. Transvestites! Enormous silicone implants! Giant slabs of testosterone and aggression with their brains in their biceps! I’m genuinely in favour of London having a Moslem mayor. I think it would do wonders for race relations. But I’m not sure that it should be Chico ‘What time is it?’ Slimani. He’d definitely win the public vote, and he’s a much better dancer than Ken, but I wouldn’t want him in charge of anything larger than a chorus line.

The only plus side to both of these horrors, is that they will make wonderful, wonderful television. I can’t wait to see Sharon Osbourne giving Anne Widdicombe a sisterly hug when she went out of the Tory candidate race. Or failed in her attempt to become the new Maria. Either way, I’m going to be glued to the box throughout, totally gripped and shuddering with fear.
Pool Gets Posh
Brockwell Park Lido in south London is set to get a £2.5 million re-vamp. The refurbishment of the Grade II listed building and its outdoor pool - affectionately known as “Brixton Beach” - will include a spa, sauna, fitness suite and hydrotherapy pool.
No more hotels in Park Lane
The London version of the classic board game Monopoly has been updated by games maker Parker with new locations and a more up-to-date, “scientific approach” to property prices. Venues now include Wapping, Primrose Hill and Brixton Hill, while Old Kent Road and Park Lane have been removed from the board. Selling at a bank-breaking £4m Kensington Palace Gardens has replaced Mayfair as the most expensive spot to buy.
Grim Designs
London’s Centrepoint tower is one of a number of buildings in the capital nominated as part of nationwide search for country’s worst designed buildings. The Commission for Architecture and the Built Environment launched the survey in a bit to draw attention to the costs of bad design.
2010
19th March
It's not a Library
24th February
Bully Tactics at No. 10
22nd February
Whine connoisseur
26th January
Carbuncle City
20th January
A Laugh a Day...
3rd January
Stalking in Richmond
2009
29th December
Predictions for 2010
30th November
London 1 Paris 0
27th November
Mr Benn, The Wombles
26th October
Frieze Still Pleases
26th October
Posties Strike a Chord
26th September
A River Runs Through It
23rd September
Blogging is Best
26th August
When Saturday comes
22nd August
Bring on the Bikes
27th July
Against the Clock
20th July
View for a thrill
18th June
Let Them Eat Cake
16th June
Only Fools And Horses?
26th May
Come Rain Or Shine
18th May
Embarrassing Expenses
27th April
New Designs on Old Fossils
19th April
City Slickers
26th March
Woody Set for Rematch
10th March
Take a Bow, London
18th February
New Photography Laws
12th February
Glitz and the Pitts
27th January
Setting the Standard
21st January
Too Much for Posh Nosh?
2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
23rd September
Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
16th September
The London Restaurant Awards
26th August
No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
20th August
The Olympics
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
9th September
Of Poles and Twiglets
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
4th August
Archway To Organic Heaven
21st July
London - Celebrity Frat House
7th July
Out of the Galleries into the Streets
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
20th January
Moby Sick
20th January
February Sales
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
28th October
Trick or Treat?
21st October
We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
9th September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor
30th August
Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium
20th August
Getting Behind the Iron Farce
10th August
Mystery Play is No Sell Out
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
24th June
New Balls, Please
17th June
The End of an Unsightly Era
10th June
The Hooded Law
31st May
Widespread Diso-’Beeb’-ience
20th May
Pass the Pepper Spray
20th May
Black Theatre Breakthrough
27th April
Five More Years
20th April
Dancing with Idiots
12th April
A Youthful Look at the Theatre
30th March
Musical Communion
23rd March
Big Guns Back in Town
10th March
Celebs in the City
28th February
There's no business like showbusiness!
22nd February
Ken You Believe It?
10th February
Make Poverty History
28th January
Loving It!
21st January
The Great West End Ticketing Scandal
14th January
The Triumph of the Ordinary
2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
16th December
Sadie's Year
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
14th November
Smoked out
22nd October
Yuppie Meal
15th October
Fines of Fury
8th October
No Twist in the Turner
17th September
Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
10th September
Clique Week
3rd September
Return of the Bard
20th August
Politics Takes Centre Stage
13th August
Crisis in Theatreland
6th August
Journey's End
23rd July
Healing Waters
16th July
Mandela Statue in Doubt
9th July
From Art to Ashes
2nd July
One Hurdle Nearer to Gold
 
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