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July
London - Celebrity Frat House 21st July 2006
Why our city attracts superstars looking to blow off steam, for all the right reasons
I was saddened to read yesterday about David Hasslehoff, the internet’s favourite son, being carried onto a flight after allegedly getting leathered in London. The erstwhile lifeguard was supposedly staggering around, telling passengers who asked if he was the Hoff that "you must be mistaken".

What is it about London that makes celebrities fly in from far and wide when they are planning to let their guard down and get royally plastered?

Paris Hilton was pictured this week glugging vodka straight from the bottle at her birthday party, while Mickey Rourke’s repellent tour of London’s clubland continues unabated.

At the opposite end of the gene pool, bona fide megastars like Jack Nicholson and Matt Damon have expressed a love for our capital’s nightlife and the ladies that inhabit it (although we’ve yet to meet, more’s the pity). Patrick Swayze is currently in the West End and confided in Jonathan Ross that he had been sent here to "relax".

Our own boys and girls fly the flag as well, with notable recent triumphs for Joe Cole (leaving a party via a bathroom window without trousers) and the Ashes winning cricket team (slaloming drunkenly around the lawns of 10 Downing Street).

But the real proof is in the pudding. Celebrity pudding, that is. Gwyneth Paltrow, in LA, flits between po-faced charity events and yoga sessions. In west London, though, she sits happily in a pub with her hubby Chris Martin buying everyone a round. There must be something in the air.

Last night, I convened a seminar of learned friends to try and get to the root of the matter. Several bottles of Pinot Grigio later, we were agreed. There are three reasons why London is the place to drink.

The first is history. From the days when condemned prisoners were offered pints on their way up Tyburn Road to meet their executioner, (giving rise to the expression "one for the road") London has been the spiritual home of pub drinking.

The second reason is nightlife. If you’re going to have a wild night, it helps to have the apparatus, and our fair city is a tolerant playground for drunken revellers.

And finally, the most important factor – Londoners. They are dryly witty, reserved, and given to taking the Mickey. You know you can make a fool of yourself in London – because even before you get started, your friends and fellow drinkers have cut you down to size.

There can be nothing more relaxing, for celebrities or regular Joes, than knowing that they are already a laughing stock before the first round.

And with that, I’m off to hang around the West End waiting for Christian Slater to stumble by. That boy needs looking after.
Ape Escape
An endangered Bolivian squirrel monkey, stolen from Chessington World of Adventures, has been found in Clapham. Two-year-old SpongeBob was discovered playing with children in the local park.
Escalating Public Nuisance
A man has been charged with being a public nuisance after scaling the 135-metre high London Eye wheel. The ever-popular, riverside attraction was closed to the public while police coaxed the man down from his 50-metre perch.
Patrick Gets Something off His Chest
Hollywood heartthrob, Patrick Swayze, will finally make his London stage debut in ‘Guys and Dolls’ on July 27th. The ‘Dirty Dancing’ dynamo has recovered from the chest infection that caused him to delay his take-up of the role of Nathan Detroit in the Frank Loesser classic musical currently performing at the Piccadilly Theatre.
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