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Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 20th October 2006
In defence of London's least-loved wildlife
I assume you’ve all seen that photo of the pelican swallowing the pigeon in St. James’ Park? It was greeted with howls of laughter by most of my friends. Partly this was because the pigeon looks so weirdly comfortable in there, as if it were just taking its weight of its wings, but mostly it was a result of the general loathing in which London’s ‘flying rats’ are held.

I think the pigeons are a bit hard-done-by. It’s one thing to be disgusted by the sight of a bird pecking at the overspill from somebody’s binbag, quite another to want the poor thing to be eaten by a pelican (“kicking and flapping the whole way down” according to eyewitnesses).

And it’s not like we’re exactly overrun by wildlife in this city. The queen may be able to look out of her window at the pelicans in the pond (a gift to Charles II from the Russian ambassador, fact-fans!), but for the rest of us, it’s strictly a matter of rats, squirrels, foxes and those pigeons. The rats are obviously repellent, and, though I love watching the loping grey silhouettes of a family of urban foxes as I return from a night out, they’re anti-social in all kinds of other ways. That screeching noise sends shivers down my spine – it’s far too human for comfort – and combined with the smell, it’s enough to make me glad that we’ve banned hunting, and they should all be able to migrate back to the country now, to reassume their natural place as peaceful leaders of the happy woodland folk (that is how it works, isn’t it? Everything I know about the countryside, I learnt from ‘The Animals of Farthing Wood’).

Which leaves us with the squirrels – who are, I must admit, unassailably cute, even when they’re rifling through the contents of my wheelie-bin – and those much-maligned pigeons, who don’t do much harm to anybody. There is a certain amount of poo to put up with, of course, but it’s not like you’d be eating your dinner off London’s spotless paving stones if it wasn’t there. And just try, if you can, to imagine the city without them – a lifeless, motionless skyline, the streets devoid of non-human activity, and chicken shashlick off the menu at kebab shops throughout the capital. Like it or not, these seedy scavengers are as much a part of London’s geography as the dome of St. Paul’s.

So next time Mayor Ken proposes wiping out the pigeons, as he has already done in Trafalgar Square, in defiance of the wishes of Mary Poppins fans everywhere, I think we should try to launch some serious opposition. Apart from anything else, I really don’t fancy seeing the photos if that pelican is forced to switch to a squirrel diet.
Lizzie's Lights Spark Controversy
Fifty-nine LED lights will be used to light up Buckingham Palace between the hours of sunset and 11pm in a bid to help tourists spot the landmark at night. The move, which will last until the end of Queen Elizabeth’s reign, has been criticised by environmental groups despite the bulbs used being environmentally-friendly and cost- efficient.
Hacked Off
East Hackney is, officially, the worst place to live in Britain. Factors including crime, lifestyle, environment, education and employment were used to conduct the survey, which also slated east London's Tower Hamlets and north London's Islington.
Bussed Up
Over 150 people have signed a petition complaining against loud music on London buses. The "Music-Free Buses" campaign aims to eradicate noise from MP3 players and mobile phones on some forms of public transport.
2009
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Surviving the Crunch
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Boris v Jingjing
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Soaps in Pole Position
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Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
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The London Restaurant Awards
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No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
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The Olympics
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Sandwiched Out
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The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
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Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
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Booze Banned on Buses
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Same Again?
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By George
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Back to the 80s
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How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
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Flight Fantastic
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Dark, Satanic Turnmills
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A Diamond in the Drink
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People Wanted for Plinth
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Boo! Hiss!
2007
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Tate That - A Hirst for Art
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Christmas Shopping
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Mind the Gap
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London On A Tray
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Leaving the Station
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The Play Within A Play
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Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
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Heathrow under Siege
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Gormless
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Losing Face
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Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
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Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
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London the Musical
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What Lurks Beneath
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The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
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London’s Walk on the Wild Side
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Stand Behind the Yellow Line
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Like Water for Chocolate
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
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Carriage on up the West End
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29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
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In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
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Failing to Save the World
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Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
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Of Poles and Twiglets
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
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London Friendly
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Archway To Organic Heaven
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London - Celebrity Frat House
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Out of the Galleries into the Streets
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
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Downright Rude in Paris and London
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Enter the Inferno
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Curvaceous Border
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Vegging Out
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The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
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Glass Half Full
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Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
2005
22nd December
January Bites
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A Remarkable Year
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And a Partridge in a JCB
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The Free Tenor
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Mystery Play is No Sell Out
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Victoire!!
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The Hooded Law
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Widespread Diso-’Beeb’-ience
20th May
Pass the Pepper Spray
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Black Theatre Breakthrough
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Five More Years
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A Youthful Look at the Theatre
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Musical Communion
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Big Guns Back in Town
10th March
Celebs in the City
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Ken You Believe It?
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Make Poverty History
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Loving It!
21st January
The Great West End Ticketing Scandal
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The Triumph of the Ordinary
2004
30th December
Party Pooper
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The Second Battle of Trafalgar
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One Hurdle Nearer to Gold
 
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