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January
Carriage on up the West End 18th January 2007
Should Westminster Council be taking us back in time?
Hooray! The horse-drawn cart is to make its West End comeback. Westminster Council have announced they’ll be accepting applications from sightseeing operators to manage horse-led tours through the borough’s narrow streets. Livestock haven’t been seen on the streets of Westminster for over 70 years, since they were banned to allay congestion. Well, the powers that be seem to think that the benefit to the tourist industry will outweigh road rage.

Apart from my childhood forays to Pony Club camp, my personal experience of horses extends only as far as a jaunt around the Slovenian capital, Ljubljana, in one of these tourist traps (ha ha). And I must say what jolly good fun it was – sun shining down, fresh air in my face, I imagined myself as a particularly beautiful, intelligent member of the Austro-Hungarian aristocracy on my way to a society ball… Well, I am only too happy to help deluded visitors to our capital fulfil their bizarre historical power fantasies. I can already see passengers in these horse-drawn vehicles slipping dreamily into the roles of Sherlock Holmes, Dickens or some bygone King or Queen. Tourists love our history, so, let’s give them a naff, olden way to get around.

So that got me thinking – why not do away with London’s motorised transport altogether? We could solve many of the city’s pollution and environmental problems in one fell swoop. As we’ve established, tourists would lap it up, thousands more Polish professionals could find menial labour as stable hands and coachmen, plus it would be great fun.

Of course, there are two sides to every coin; London would be perennially covered in horse shit (suitable fuel for a biomass power station perchance?) and the roads would be utter chaos, as cabbies tried to reacquaint themselves with a life of livestock and whips and without satellite navigation. They don’t cover everything in the Knowledge, you know. Imagine the minicab offices – dilapidated looking stables in the wrong part of town, a few nags tied up outside who really should have been put out to pasture long ago.

There’s also the problem of numbers – the city currently has two and a half million cars in circulation so an equal quantity of horses would have to be found, shoed and trained. Not to mention that every single park, garden and green space would have to be given over to stables or grazing.

So, however attractive it might sound, maybe the equestrianisation of London on a grand scale just isn’t practical. Bringing back the past just can’t work. What’s more it might start a trend: once the coach and horses revolution had gone through there could be a clamour to reinstate public hangings, the Black Death and rotten slums. That said I wouldn’t mind stopping off for a drink at a gin palace – they sound so much more glam than your common-or-garden bar, don’t they? And you never know - unknowing tourists might pay an erroneous visit, hoping to spot some royalty!
Treasury to foot Olympian Bill
With the projected costs of the 2012 London Olympics rising by £900 million, from £2.4 to £3.3 billion, a cross-party committee has recommended that the Treasury, not the city’s taxpayers, should foot the bill. Reassuringly, the original estimate was compiled without taking into account VAT or inflation.
Girl Power at the Tower
This summer the Tower of London will welcome the first woman Beefeater in the guards’ 522-year history. Moira Cameron, 42, from Argyll, joined the army at 16 and has therefore completed the 22-years army service necessary to qualify for this distinguished position. As well as the distinctive £1000 uniform and the honour of guarding the Crown Jewels, she will enjoy a subsidised flat inside the Tower.
The Breast Cleaners in Putney
Government-backed website, Jobcentre Plus, has been advertising the position of topless cleaner to jobseekers in Putney. The ad sought "enthusiastic, open-minded people" keen to work 10-20 hours a week for £15 per hour, no experience required. It eventually had to be removed from their online service due to a huge response rate.
2009
2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
23rd September
Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
16th September
The London Restaurant Awards
26th August
No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
20th August
The Olympics
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
9th September
Of Poles and Twiglets
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
4th August
Archway To Organic Heaven
21st July
London - Celebrity Frat House
7th July
Out of the Galleries into the Streets
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
28th October
Trick or Treat?
21st October
We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
9th September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor
30th August
Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium
20th August
Getting Behind the Iron Farce
10th August
Mystery Play is No Sell Out
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
24th June
New Balls, Please
17th June
The End of an Unsightly Era
10th June
The Hooded Law
31st May
Widespread Diso-’Beeb’-ience
20th May
Pass the Pepper Spray
20th May
Black Theatre Breakthrough
27th April
Five More Years
20th April
Dancing with Idiots
12th April
A Youthful Look at the Theatre
30th March
Musical Communion
23rd March
Big Guns Back in Town
10th March
Celebs in the City
28th February
There's no business like showbusiness!
22nd February
Ken You Believe It?
10th February
Make Poverty History
28th January
Loving It!
21st January
The Great West End Ticketing Scandal
14th January
The Triumph of the Ordinary
2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
16th December
Sadie's Year
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
14th November
Smoked out
22nd October
Yuppie Meal
15th October
Fines of Fury
8th October
No Twist in the Turner
17th September
Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
10th September
Clique Week
3rd September
Return of the Bard
20th August
Politics Takes Centre Stage
13th August
Crisis in Theatreland
6th August
Journey's End
23rd July
Healing Waters
16th July
Mandela Statue in Doubt
9th July
From Art to Ashes
2nd July
One Hurdle Nearer to Gold
 
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