London’s Walk on the Wild Side

Safari in the City

Ok, so you’re on ‘Family Fortunes’. Your rivals - the Parrott family from Penge - have edged infuriatingly ahead thanks to Barry Parrott Senior’s excellent round on household tools (top answer “spanner”). It’s your last chance to make a final bid for a place in the Big Money round and renew your family’s faith in you since that unfortunate incident with the hoover and the handbag (Aunt Marjorie’s) back in 1981. You step up to the front, position yourself next to Les Dennis - allowing yourself only a slight balk at his receding hairline and the overriding stench of Brut - fold your left arm behind your back, fingers tightly crossed, and place your right hand firmly in front of the buzzer. You wait nervously for the question. Les does an impromptu impersonation of Mavis Reilly from Coronation Street - “I don’t really know Rita...”. The studio ripples with embarrassed laughter. Then comes the question...

“We surveyed a 100 people and asked them to name an animal or bird associated with London.”

You yelp, fling your hand frantically forwards, pummel the buzzer with all of your might, and wait breathlessly. Les turns to you, one eyebrow raised. All you can see is Mavis Reilly from Coronation Street. You’re about to say “I don’t really know Rita” but then it comes to you...

“Panther!” you bark.

Les flinches. Aunt Marjorie rolls her eyes and reaches nervously for her handbag. You hear a thud to your right - your father’s head has fallen onto the desk in front of him. You hear a flapping - your mother has removed one of her shoulder pads and is frantically waving it over your father. You hear a snide “Yessss” - Barry Parrott Junior is exclaiming jubilantly under his breath, one fist clenched, smirking, head slowly nodding.

Everyone turns to Les.

Les turns to the board.

“We asked you to name an animal or bird associated with London. You said... (long pause)... panther (cue smug titters - and one significant guffaw - from the Parrott family), our survey said...”

Silence.

You close your eyes and flinch. You prepare yourself for that dreaded “uh-oh” noise - your first and fatal strike - and wave goodbye to your last chance for redemption. More waiting. You rub sweaty palms on stone-coloured stay-press. Suddenly there’s a resounding “ting!” and the word ‘Panther’ flashes up on the board. Not just anywhere on the board. High up the board. Position Number 1 on the board, in fact. A resounding “55%-of-people-surveyed-said-‘Panther’” high on the board.

Les glances nervously at the camera before frantically scanning his question card. Aunt Marjorie drops her handbag. Your mother shoves her shoulder pad back in and yanks your father back up. Your father lifts his head, a dazed look on his eyes. You hear a menacing hiss of “Fixxxx” from the opposition - Barry Parrott Junior is growling, both fists clenched and raised threateningly.

You try to find your breath. You faint.

Cue commercial break.

Back in the real world, back in the capital, and it seems the city’s zoological landscape has indeed changed. Think London wildlife and traditional images of one-toed pigeons, flea-ridden rats, wasps, worms, horseflies, hedgehogs and the odd sparrow spring to mind. These days, however, tourists in search of unusual wildlife would be forgiven for bypassing London Zoo in favour of a simple stroll through the streets and parks of the city. Over the past year we’ve seen bright green parakeets in parks, four-legged ducks in ponds (long live Stumpy), sky-diving foxes in shopping centres, a bottle-nosed whale in Westminster, a squirrel monkey on Clapham Common and a parade of pink swans on the Thames (probably making their way to Clapham Common if they’ve got any pink pride). And, yes, the most famous London animal at the moment is, indeed, a panther - aka “the Beast of Bexley”. Sightings of this “abnormally large, black cat” are regularly recorded in every desperate free-sheet, making it one of the capital’s most columnised creatures; marginally ahead of Flossie - the sunglass-wearing Spaniel from the suburbs whose inability to produce tears (cue sympathy blub) has also sparked considerable media attention.

So next time you find yourself watching ‘Family Fortunes’, wait a second before ridiculing the man whose answer to: “Name something a blind man might carry” is “A sword”. He might, he just might, be right.

On the other hand he’s probably just stupid.

More Voguish than Eco Warrior

When there was a scrap (over wooden shelves was it?) in Ikea everyone thought themselves far above such vulgar behaviour but that was before Anya Hindmarch’s eco-friendly shopping bag. The £5 creation says “I’m not a plastic bag” and I’m inclined to agree – it’s the hottest thing around and it’s hit Sainsbury’s of all places. Fashion types will definitely break a nail to get their hands on this one.

Under the Hammer

It’s tempting to start clawing posters off the walls of Tube stations in the light of recent news that Bonhams is selling London Underground posters of the 1920s and 1930s for hard cash. Highlights include “Horace Taylor To Summer Sales”, which could fetch up to £1,200. Words like modernist, vintage and Golden Age are being bandied around so it looks like the Underground is on the right track for producing fine art.

In The Frame

If marrying Prince Charles wasn’t enough confirmation, Camilla Parker Bowles must feel she’s got her feet firmly under the royal table as she appears for the first time in a group portrait with Liz and co. She knows her place (in the background behind the Queen of course) but it’s taken her over 30 years to get this far – see for yourself at the Mall Galleries from 26 April.

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