The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

But is it strictly necessary to put it on television?

London has always been well-loved for its musicals but I fear Saturday night television is threatening to make a mockery of our revered stage shows. 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat' and 'Grease' have entered the fray that is reality television to find the stars who will take on the leading roles in these productions. The fact that Andrew Lloyd Webber - the very epitome of West End success (we can forgive him for 'Cats') - is leading this affront on the Beeb makes it even more horrifying.

I knew we were in trouble when they insisted on going ahead (all this despite my screams of "please make it stop") with 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria' to find the title role for the stage production of 'The Sound of Music'. The "problem", as they so aptly described it, did not need Lloyd Webber and his band of merry musical thespies to solve it; it was altogether more simple than that and involved the hills decidedly not being alive with the sound of music but running for them instead. I mean, I'm sure Connie Fisher makes a very believable Maria but there is something inherently wrong about ten wide-smiled women dressing up in aprons and singing about their favourite things.

And now it's all happening again - there's no escape from this drivel on Saturday nights as the BBC and ITV battle it out for ratings. In 'Grease is the Word' (ITV's no-hint-of-irony offering) you can tune into lots of starry-eyed gazing and jazz hands for the parts of Danny and Sandy or switch over to see 'Any Dream Will Do' with a worrying line-up of wannabe Josephs singing 'I closed my eyes, ah-ah-aaaah'. Both are equally soul-destroying but maybe the Joseph one just has the edge for worst TV show in the history of the world because it does that thing that the BBC does so well - takes itself far too seriously. Let's face it - Andrew Lloyd Webber (sorry to bring him up again) is no Simon Cowell and should really have stayed firmly and discreetly and behind the curtains of The Adelphi Theatre.

The thing is I'm not usually one of those people who turns my nose up at the shockingly low culture of reality TV shows. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I'm a self-confessed fan - 'Wife Swap', that one where the posh blonde woman rips hotels to shreds and not to mention 'X Factor' have all provided me with endless hours of amusement. But it's gone too far - the producers have crossed the line so unequivocally that someone... anyone needs to shout (in the immortal words of Ross from 'Friends') 'the line is a dot to you'.

We have indeed come a long way from the days when Jason Donovan graced the West End stage in 'Joseph' - I'm not talking about talent here but he was Scott in 'Neighbours' for goodness sake. He had street cred and now all we've got is a bunch of boy band look-alikes hoping to get their big break. Now there's an idea - if all else fails they could probably have a number one hit with 'Close Every Door', as heard in the hit musical.* But that's another reality TV show altogether...

*Philip Schofield has already tried this but that was in 1992 and he didn't have a megabucks show to launch him to stardom.

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