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June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine 22nd June 2007
Seasoned smokers take their last gasp
It's been many years since I put down my last packet of fags, and rediscovered my senses of smell and taste. I swore at the time that I would never be a sanctimonious quitter. I would not be one of those people who tutted smugly at others' lighting up, nor would I support the gradual pushing of smokers to the fringes of decent society.

Thus, even as my smoking friends are looking forward to the ban, as an opportunity to cut down, and maybe even quit, I have been up in arms about the injustice of it. I won’t rehearse the civil liberties argument here (apart from anything else, the anti-smoking lobby tend to get vicious when I do), but I am going to take this opportunity to sughgest that even lapsed smokers should perhaps take next week as the chance to revisit their old habits, and cough up a bit of phlegm in a few of London's filthiest ash-holes.

Your First Local Pub
Since taste and smell are so integral to memory, a cigarette is the perfect tool for a moment of Proustian nostalgia. Head down to the first London local you ever had. Since this has almost certainly gone extravagantly gastro on you in the last ten years, your only real chance of recalling those heady days of youth - the big plans, the banter, the conversations that didn't revolve around house prices - is by puffing away on a cigarette. Extra points for blowing smoke over the sommelier when he asks you to leave, because actually this place has been non-smoking for two years.

A Cigar Bar
There are still a couple of these ridiculous gentlemen's affectations kicking around in London, and they will be managing to stay open, due to a loophole in the law that allows the exceptionally wealthy to do what they damn well want (well, officially, the loophole allows smoking in 'specialist tobacco shops'). However, you'll no longer be able to have a drink with your Cuban, and given the dullness of the toffs who inhabit these places, sobriety is really not an option. Suck down a few cocktails and bask in the glow of reflected wealth.

At a Festival, in the Rain
The site of a mud-soaked Hoxtonite sucking frantically on a glowing cancer stick in a pathetic attempt to warm themselves up from the inside will become a thing of the past next Sunday, as Marquees are to be included in the ban. This hint has probably come too late for most readers – though if you're reading this on your phone at Glastonbury, thank-you. You're clearly my biggest fan.

The Shisha Lounge
The one genuine tragedy of the smoking ban is the cafes, clustered in Bayswater, but prevalent throughout the capital, which serve mint tea, juices and eye-wateringly sweet cakes to a crowd who are really only there for one thing: smooth, fruit-flavoured tobacco smoked through tall shisha pipes. They're lovely little places (and of course, absolutely invaluable to teetotal Moslems), and even if you don’t fancy the appallingly unhealthy pipes, it's while worth paying one a visit before this unique corner of London life gets fined out of existence.

The Office
Walk into your office smoking room, which is, I would imagine, being cleared out today, and look at what happens when they take the pictures down. That's right! The walls were white originally, not yellow! Take some photos of that difference, think about your lungs, and maybe that'll rescue you from these farcical fits of smoking nostalgia like the one I seem to be having now.
Leading By Example
Prince Charles is joining the battle cry for a greener planet by getting his own house in order. He has published his carbon footprint for the first time after promising to cut his emissions by 12.5 per cent – at least. To achieve carbon neutral status Charlie has introduced green electricity at Highgrove, converted his cars to bio-diesel and taken less plane journeys. Bless him!
Wherefore art thou...?
Shakespeare himself belonged to a band of travelling players who rocked up at castles, country houses and gardens all over England's pleasant pastures green to perform. Four hundred years on Globe Theatre actors are resurrecting this experience with an on-the-road production of 'Romeo and Juliet' - all fairly authentic apart from the touring camper van in place of the more traditional horse and cart.
A Smoke-Scene
It seems like a lot of huff and puff over nothing but the Theatre Royal Haymarket will have to cut smoking in a scene in 'The Last Confession' after the July 1st ban comes into effect. Bernard Lloyd's character lights up a cigarette on stage but, unless it’s central to the plot to have a puffing Cardinal Villot, the theatre will be 'acting' against the law.
2009
2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
23rd September
Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
16th September
The London Restaurant Awards
26th August
No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
20th August
The Olympics
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
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Of Poles and Twiglets
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
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Archway To Organic Heaven
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London - Celebrity Frat House
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Out of the Galleries into the Streets
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Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
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Trick or Treat?
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We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
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DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor
30th August
Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium
20th August
Getting Behind the Iron Farce
10th August
Mystery Play is No Sell Out
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
24th June
New Balls, Please
17th June
The End of an Unsightly Era
10th June
The Hooded Law
31st May
Widespread Diso-’Beeb’-ience
20th May
Pass the Pepper Spray
20th May
Black Theatre Breakthrough
27th April
Five More Years
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Dancing with Idiots
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A Youthful Look at the Theatre
30th March
Musical Communion
23rd March
Big Guns Back in Town
10th March
Celebs in the City
28th February
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22nd February
Ken You Believe It?
10th February
Make Poverty History
28th January
Loving It!
21st January
The Great West End Ticketing Scandal
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The Triumph of the Ordinary
2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
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Sadie's Year
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
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Smoked out
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Yuppie Meal
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Fines of Fury
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No Twist in the Turner
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Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
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Clique Week
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Return of the Bard
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Politics Takes Centre Stage
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Crisis in Theatreland
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Journey's End
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Healing Waters
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Mandela Statue in Doubt
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From Art to Ashes
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One Hurdle Nearer to Gold
 
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