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The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
17th July 2008
The Sun sets on Covent Garden
The first night of a new Royal Opera House season is, traditionally, an occasion when the wives of Russian oligarchs and top City bankers take the chance to show off their jewellery in the bar, sneer at each others’ handbags in the toilets, and then sneak off in the interval, leaving a second-half audience of three octogenarian baronets snoozing in the stalls.
The eagerly-anticipated new production of Don Giovanni (eagerly anticipated by the half-dozen people who actually know anything about opera, anyway) at the Royal Opera House is going to be a little different. The only way to get hold of a ticket is to buy a copy of ‘The Sun’ on 30th July, and enter yourself in the lottery.
That’s ‘The Sun’. Home to Dear Deidre, Desktop Keeley (Google it), Page 3, and such noted opera critics as Jeremy Clarkson and Lorraine Kelly. The current top Arts stories on their website right now are ‘Madonna in Meltdown’, ‘Brooke to Bare All for Playboy’ and ‘Miley May Strip for Film Role’. The most recent mentions of ‘opera’ in the paper have been about Britain’s Got Talent’s Paul Potts (fair enough, but it is a year since he won it), and ‘Pamela Anderson goes bra-less for night out at Opera’.
The theory (based, I suspect, on watching the opera scene in 'Pretty Woman') is that if you get White Van Man and Essex Girl to come and see 'Don Giovanni' just once, they will immediately swap their alcopops for Chateau Lafitte, buy a Hampstead townhouse, take out an annual subscription to the ROH and start reading Gramophone magazine instead of ‘The Sun’. The concept that people might choose not to go to the opera because it’s expensive and a bit boring is obviously not one that has been much considered by Dame Judith Mayhew Jonas DBE and her merry band of trustees.
So when the show opens on 10th September, what can we expect in London’s most magnificent auditorium? There will be lots of journalists from the ‘Guardian’ and the ‘Telegraph’ wandering around frantically looking for interviewees who work in chip shops, and there will be plenty of City gents and oligarchs who bought their tickets on e-bay. There won’t be anyone who wouldn’t normally have turned up, since asking your butler to pick up a copy of ‘The Sun’ is not a challenge that would tax the wit of even the most antique opera-lover.
I suspect, in fact, that this stunt is going to backfire spectacularly. For all its faults (intermittent truth-stretching, obsession with breasts, borderline fascism) ‘The Sun’ is completely compelling reading. I fear that rather than getting a whole new audience for 18th-century Austrian opera, we’re going to see lots of broadsheet readers converted to the tabloids. And from there it’s just a short step to being unable to head out to Opening Nights at Covent Garden because it’s Big Brother Eviction Night on Channel 4.
Today’s Rubbish News, Tomorrow’s News on Rubbish
Here’s a shocker – giving away millions of newspapers in central London is creating loads and loads of paper that’s not being recycled. Commuters, after having the freesheets thrust into their hands (never mind the latte and briefcase!), are not seeking out recycling bins but scattering the newspapers they probably didn’t want in the first place around town. The 70 bins were installed quickly enough when Westminster Council told The London Paper and London Lite that their distribution could be restricted but now it appears they’re expecting them to be filled too.
On Tap
There’s been a definite move to “just a glass of tap water please” in recent times but it now seems we can omit the “just” from that sentence in London restaurants as though we’re apologising for ordering something that’s free; obviously meaning it could never be as good as their glacial fresh-from-the-Schlatenkees bottled water. We snootily snub water, ice even, when we’re in Europe, in case of a “jippy tummy” – it’s as if we’ve always known that London’s tap water is the only type to be trusted but now it’s a fact; according to the people-in-the-know-about-water, it’s the best in the country.
Four Years and Counting...
Word is out that our Ken (Livingstone, lest we forget) is looking for a job... nothing quite so ironic as Tony Blair becoming a Middle East envoy or as predictable as his recent attempt to take over the airwaves. Nope, it seems all he wants is his job in City Hall back. He’ll have to wait till 2012 of course – just in time for the Olympics, so hopefully that’ll take over from the rancour over bendy buses – but it appears Ken has already started an early campaign trail which involves, well, whining about Boris really.
2011
| 5th April | Royal Wedding fever strikes London |
| 23rd February | London's deep pockets |
| 17th February | Let the London Games begin |
| 29th January | Olympic no-brainer |
2010
| 23rd December | Snow causes London meltdown |
| 28th November | London's Big Bang for 2011 |
| 21st October | I predict a riot |
| 26th August | The Maddening Rain |
| 26th July | Holmes sweet Holmes |
| 23rd June | Sun shines on London |
| 23rd June | Loving London's Pub Theatres |
| 27th May | The Cameron-Clegg Civil Ceremony |
| 25th May | Budgy Smuggling |
| 27th April | No Fly Zone |
| 26th April | Mi casa es su casa - and Tesco's |
| 29th March | No Third Runway |
| 19th March | It's not a Library |
| 24th February | Bully Tactics at No. 10 |
| 22nd February | Whine connoisseur |
| 26th January | Carbuncle City |
| 20th January | A Laugh a Day... |
| 3rd January | Stalking in Richmond |
2009
| 29th December | Predictions for 2010 |
| 30th November | London 1 Paris 0 |
| 27th November | Mr Benn, The Wombles |
| 26th October | Posties Strike a Chord |
| 26th October | Frieze Still Pleases |
| 26th September | A River Runs Through It |
| 23rd September | Blogging is Best |
| 26th August | When Saturday comes |
| 22nd August | Bring on the Bikes |
| 27th July | Against the Clock |
| 20th July | View for a thrill |
| 18th June | Let Them Eat Cake |
| 16th June | Only Fools And Horses? |
| 26th May | Come Rain Or Shine |
| 18th May | Embarrassing Expenses |
| 27th April | New Designs on Old Fossils |
| 19th April | City Slickers |
| 26th March | Woody Set for Rematch |
| 10th March | Take a Bow, London |
| 18th February | New Photography Laws |
| 12th February | Glitz and the Pitts |
| 27th January | Setting the Standard |
| 21st January | Too Much for Posh Nosh? |
2008
| 23rd December | January is on the Horizon |
| 20th December | Merry Christmas |
| 26th November | All The World's A Stage |
| 20th November | Surviving the Crunch |
| 24th October | Boris v Jingjing |
| 17th October | Soaps in Pole Position |
| 23rd September | Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea |
| 16th September | The London Restaurant Awards |
| 26th August | No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues |
| 20th August | The Olympics |
| 24th July | Sandwiched Out |
| 17th July | The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 |
| 26th June | Love All at Wimbledon |
| 16th June | Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant |
| 27th May | Booze Banned on Buses |
| 20th May | Same Again? |
| 23rd April | By George |
| 11th April | Back to the 80s |
| 28th March | How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? |
| 20th March | Flight Fantastic |
| 20th February | Dark, Satanic Turnmills |
| 6th February | A Diamond in the Drink |
| 21st January | People Wanted for Plinth |
| 14th January | Boo! Hiss! |
2007
2006
2005
2004
| 30th December | Party Pooper |
| 23rd December | The Second Battle of Trafalgar |
| 16th December | Sadie's Year |
| 28th November | Ripper-Watch |
| 21st November | Kinky Boots |
| 14th November | Smoked out |
| 22nd October | Yuppie Meal |
| 15th October | Fines of Fury |
| 8th October | No Twist in the Turner |
| 17th September | Battleships, bloodsports and Batman |
| 10th September | Clique Week |
| 3rd September | Return of the Bard |
| 20th August | Politics Takes Centre Stage |
| 13th August | Crisis in Theatreland |
| 6th August | Journey's End |
| 23rd July | Healing Waters |
| 16th July | Mandela Statue in Doubt |
| 9th July | From Art to Ashes |
| 2nd July | One Hurdle Nearer to Gold |
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