A River Runs Through It

Boris flies back from New York only to discover the Thames has gone down the tube.

It's been a busy month for the Mayor, who travelled to his birth city New York to promote tourism to London and encourage foreign investment, before returning to the UK to find the Thames had disappeared.

Let's deal with Boris Johnson's bite of the Big Apple first - particularly because LondonTown were invited to share our opinions on the matter in a live phone-in discussion on LBC radio.

Standing in for LBC stalwart Nick Ferrari (radio's equivalent of the Daily Mail) was Kevin Maguire, the Daily Mirror Associate Editor known for his close ties to Gordon Brown and penchant for anti-Tory rumour-mongering. The main gist of the debate was whether Boris was the right person to be promoting London and whether or not London, a world-famous city, needed such promotion in the first place.

Speaking on behalf of LondonTown was Graham Ives, our managing development editor, who stressed that Londoners should never rest on their laurels when it came to promoting the city and that there was no reason why Boris should not be doing his part - in fact, we should all be doing our bit.

The trip to Manhattan was Boris's first major chance to promote himself on the international platform since his Olympic flag-waving debacle - so it was unfortunate that his visit coincided with New York Fashion Week (can you picture anyone as sartorially antiquated and outmoded as our current Mayor?).

Boris's detractors pointed at the former Conservative MP for Henley-on-Thames' critical stance on his predecessor Ken Livingstone's expensive overseas trips during last year's election campaign. But this argument had no legs seeing that British Airways and Michael Bloomberg, Boris's counterpart in New York, footed the bill for this junket.

Many City Hall opponents - such as The Guardian newspaper - claimed the trip (for which Boris and his small entourage were given four business class tickets aboard BA) questioned the Conservative commitment to cutting unnecessary CO2 emissions. But seeing that aeroplanes are the most likely source of transport that will bring more business into our city - and that the upshot of Boris's trip was a tourist agreement between London and New York - we'll let this one slip too.

Amongst other things, the deal struck between both mayors will see the cities provide one another with advertising space on public transport - and after the recent travails of the global financial crisis Boris left New York declaring London had "re-opened for business". As Graeme made clear on LBC, we here at LondonTown never knew it had "closed" in the first place.

Back in Blighty, and hardly had Boris had time to give even a passing thought to the upcoming advertisement campaign when he was distracted by a problem closer to home: the disappearance of the Thames. Apparently the old tube maps - based on a classic design drawn up in 1933 - were "too cluttered" and so someone came up with the novel idea of simply pretending the river wasn't there.

If draining one of the city's most famous landmarks wasn't enough, the TfL goon responsible thought it would also be worth removing both the fare zone system and the station index from the posters. Boris reportedly "hit the roof" on learning of the mistake, ordering that the river be "reinstated" at the earliest opportunity without incurring any further cost. For reasons unknown, it will take until December to change all the maps back to the old design - meaning people may end up getting lost or paying higher fares on a transport network which saw passenger journeys drop 6.4% in August.

The upshot: Boris was praised by many for his swift and passionate action in protecting part of London's tradition and heritage. But was it more a case of a red-faced Mayor moving to mop up a botched and bungled job? Surely such a blunder should never have got so far in the first place - and seeing that Boris stands at the top of the TfL tree, should he not take the flak, however unfair that may seem?

Still, the whole episode provided some great soundbites. Taken out of context, you would never have expected to hear this gem from City Hall: "The overwhelming public reaction is that the Tube and Thames should be reunited, so that's exactly what we will do." It's almost as funny as the darkly ironic news that Boris's transport Czar, the exotically named Kulveer Ranger, is wanted by Georgian authorities for his hand in a motorcycle crash which saw a pedestrian break a leg. Pull the other one...

Boris keen for pay-as-you-go

Mayor Johnson's trip to New York also gave him some food for thought regarding the "voluntary" admission fees policy conducted by the Big Apple's top museums. On returning to London, Boris said he believed free museums such as the V&A should recommend an entrance fee in the same way that New York's Met suggests a $20 (£12) donation. US national museums are officially free but visitors must still queue at the ticket desk where they often feel compelled to give a donation. This philanthropic policy impressed Boris, who said: "I think we should do it". Entrance fees to national museums in London were scrapped in 2001, leading to a 70 per cent increase in visitor numbers in the first year.

Rise and fall of the Hackney Empire

Sad news broke this month that financial irregularities will force the famous Hackney Empire to close for nine months in the New Year. The newly-refurbished, 108-year-old, Grade II listed venue will close its main hall after the panto season wraps in January, and won't open its doors again until October 2010 - meaning an ominous hiatus in its popular music, theatre and comedy nights (such as the annual New Act of the Year competition for stand-up comedians). New chief executive Claire Middleton, just one month into her role, called the closure a "period of reflection" - a novel way to describe redundancies for the majority of the East London venue's workforce. Amid much tension, there are fears that London's flagship variety theatre may never open its doors again.

Prepare the papal purple

The Pope is set to visit London in 2010 and could well stay in Buckingham Palace. No, this isn't the premise for the next Dan Brown blockbuster, but a distinct reality after Prime Minister Gordon Brown extended a formal invitation to Pope Benedict XVI for a six-day trip to the UK next year. It will be the first papal visit to Britain since Pope John Paul II's celebrated jaunt back in 1982. It is not yet known exactly where and when the pope will visit although Mr Brown dropped a hint that it would be during summer time after he promised the leader of the worldwide Catholic Church "the warmest of welcomes".

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