Five More Years

Boring election highlights the joy of London life

With just days to go until the General Election, the race is really hotting up and all the parties are swinging into action for a final… Oh, who am I fooling? Labour will win, if anybody can be bothered to turn up. This could be the first election to result in British history to result in a no-score draw.

Not that the Conservatives appear to have realised this yet. An amiable buffoon turned up on my doorstep the other day flanked by a couple of smiling welly-wearing socialites and babbling about immigration, the Congestion Charge and higher taxes.

I wish you could have seen his face. Why on earth would a nice, well spoken young lady like me think his party was a bunch of irresponsible cretins trying to win an election by harping on age-old fears and attacking policies exactly mirroring their own? Unlike him, I didn’t spend my formative years having my brains crushed between a pair of aristocratic bums on the rugby pitch. That’s why.

At least he was door-stepping though. In my neck of the woods only the countryside brigade care passionately enough to wave leaflets about on the streets anymore. Labour have sensibly, but cynically decided to attack my voting brain cells through the media. And it is this that underlines the depressing reality – there’s nothing to choose between the parties.

The Conservative ‘Are you thinking what we’re thinking?’ poster campaign is one of the silliest I can remember, because it absolutely invites a punch-line. Labour are no better. Their campaign is based upon pledges to try harder and fear of the Conservatives.

I can think of only two consolations in the face of such a dull, cynical political landscape.

First, the election party is sure to be as wild. And whatever happens it can’t end with the same hollow feeling as the recent US election all-nighter.

Secondly, at least we still have Ken and the Mayor’s Office. He’s not afraid of immigrants. He gets drunk and insults people. He’s got a heart. He is a slime ball of course but one with a few interesting ideas. And Ken hates Tony and New Labour almost as much as he detested Mrs Thatcher. There’s nothing like a proper troublemaker to quicken the pulse. I hope Ken sticks around for a good few years.

Are You Ready For Love?

The alternative Queen of England is to follow Charles’ example and tie the knot in Windsor. Elton John and his partner David Furness plan to marry in December, when same sex unions are legalised. The couple have been together for 12 years (Elton: “That’s like 120 in gay years”). I’m expecting some incredible costumes.

Swim When You’re Winning

Great news for the Hampstead Heath Winter Swimming Club this week as they won the right to carry on bathing at the mixed pond on the Heath despite the wimpy health and safety concerns of the Corporation of London. Not only that, but Mr Justice Burton branded the council "grey and dull" and spoke out for the right of mad people to swim in the middle of winter as an "individual freedom".

The Roof is Unfair

Eight Greenpeace activists have been arrested after scaling the roof of John Prescott’s London home and erecting solar panels in a protest at the energy inefficiency of new homes built by the government. They can’t have expected much sympathy from the burly bruiser famed for punching protestors and driving not one, but two Jags.

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