The Hooded Law

You Can't Hide Your Face from the Fashion Police

My sister and her boyfriend like to dress up. Nothing dodgy you understand - just the odd fancy dress party or two. Anyway, it was the boyfriend’s birthday the other week and to celebrate there was an informal gathering in the local pub. While scanning the invite for details on the morning of the bash, my eyes nervously focused on the section entitled Dress Code. As I feared, there was a catch. Wigs were to be worn throughout the evening.

One quick dash to the local fancy dress shop later and there I am, pint in hand, my head encased in an explosion of synthetic fibres, surrounded by a forest of afros, mullets, dreadlocks, spiral perms, bobs and bowl cuts. The air in the pub hung heavy with hairpieces and toupee tape.

All was going well (I was even getting to rather like my Leo Sayer-style barnet) when a rather tetchy barman grabs me on my way to the Ladies and demands that I get my "mate to remove his baseball cap". When I ask why, I'm informed that it's "brewery policy, innit". Baseball caps, apparently, prevent customers from being identified on the CCTV cameras.

Cocky from my two pints of Kronenburg I pointed out that most of us were sporting hugs wigs, drooping moustaches, fake bushy beards and untenably large stick-on sideburns, so, in theory, baseball caps were the least of his problems. I didn’t even recognise myself in the mirror, I pointed out, what chance did a security bloke peering at a CCTV screen have?

All I got was a shrug and a gruff reiteration that "the wigs are fine, just lose the cap, ok".

Three days later, my cap confrontation far behind me, and I’m at home listening to the news. One story, in particular, grabs my attention – Blue Water shopping centre’s ban on hooded tops which "prevent customers from being identified on the CCTV cameras". Wide-brimmed hats, balaclavas, wimples and even snoods (attractive) were all fine, it seems, but hooded tops definitely not.

Sound familiar? I almost choke on my foccacia.

I’m just about breathing again when I discover an article in the Metro about DHL refusing to deliver packages in certain hood-infested areas of London… Korea – yes, Canning Town – no; Iraq - sure, Custom House - no way.

Unbelievable.

What’s going on here is clearly nothing to do with CCTV cameras (if that were the case there would be one standard rule applying to any item of clothing that obscured a person’s identity) and everything to do with total and utter fashion fascism – Fashionism - fabric cleansing at its very worse.

The assumption is, if you wear either a baseball cap or a hooded top, you’re essentially a hoodlum out to cause trouble.

We’re, quite rightly, not allowed to discriminate on the basis of skin colour, sex, religion, race, age or height so why is it suddenly acceptable to discriminate and pre-judge on the basis of one’s attire?

Criminals come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, ages, sexes and, yes, clothing. I’m not saying all hooded top wearers are little angels, but not all of them are little devils either. The more they feel persecuted and pre-judged the more they’ll end up conforming to the stereotype because it’ll take more effort not to.

London has a reputation for being one of the most accepting cities in the world – kaftans, smocks, turbans, burqas and headscarves blend seamlessly with jeans, leather jackets, string vests and even jodhpurs in a landscape rich with clothing of all styles, shapes and sizes. This new trend for both judging and discriminating on the basis of clothing makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and threatens to detract from the amazing air of total and utter acceptance that makes me proud to be a Londoner.

So use your head and get a hood – not only is it a stylish addition to any wardrobe it stops your hair getting wet in the rain.

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