Getting Behind the Iron Farce

We want more flops in the West End

I missed it! The biggest show in months, and it completely passed me by. When I left for Tuscany, Behind the Iron Mask was simply a terrible, terrible musical, getting some of the worst reviews anyone could remember. By the time I returned, it had been a major theatrical event, drawing in crowds of giggling fashionistas to the deserted auditorium to giggle at the awful songs, heckle Three Degree turned I'm A Celebrity contestant, Sheila Ferguson, and generally provide a bit of light relief for the poor actors forced to say those dreadful, dreadful lines. Much quoting of the play’s most celebrated exchange ("Why do you wear the iron mask?/ Don't ask!/ What is your name?/I'm insane!") has ensued.

The worst ever play in the West End was, famously, The Intimate Revue. While Behind the Iron Mask struggled on gamely for two-and-a-half weeks, this little gem didn’t even make through a single performance. Its big selling point was the insanely elaborate props and scenery. Each ten minute sketch was followed by a twenty minute set change, and as the public jeered, the actors began forgetting their lines. When midnight approached with seven long scene changes still to come, the remaining audience members filed out and the panicked actors cut to the finale. It’s achieved legendary status, and people who attended the first and only night apparently dined out on the story for years.

Twelve months ago, the West End was declared to be dying. Audiences were down, theatres were broke, and a show like Behind the Iron Mask (or, indeed, the Intimate Revue) would have been greeted as a disaster. Now, however, we have Billy Elliot, Guys and Dolls, Mary Poppins and The Producers, four shows with such robust appeal that even the events of 7 July have barely caused a tremor in their box offices. The West End is in good health, and can shake off a few failures with impunity.

And what that means is that we’re in a position to really enjoy some terrible theatre. What I want to see is something that can rival Springtime for Hitler – the musical-within-a-musical in The Producers – and create a genuine hit through sheer unintentional hilarity. Lines like "I’m in mask, don’t ask, don’t ask…. I’m in a cell, don’t tell, don’t tell," came close, but I think we can do a whole lot worse.

Oh, and Tuscany was lovely, darlings, thanks for asking.

Hip-hopera

Rap, hip-hop and rude boys have infiltrated almost every part of society and now it seems opera is the latest genre to under go a bit of a gangsta revamp. The new version of Mozart’s Cosi Fan Tutte coming to Glyndebourne in March will see the setting of 18th century Naples substituted for the car park of an inner-city London council estate. Rap and gangster slang replaces the customary Italian trills and librettos in a bid to usher youthful generations into the opera scene. With a shed load of bling-bling, a tattooist who fits nipple rings and a couple of drug dealers the young are bound to sit up and take notice.

Fame Academy on Le-Market

Many of us know it as the place where talented teens warbled their way to fame, but the Fame Academy mansion also lays claim to being the biggest gaff in London, next to Buckingham Palace. Next month, the posh Highgate pad goes on sale for a cool £32 million. A mere snip! The Grade-II listed, neo-Georgian landmark boasts just 25 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms, three kitchens, four tennis courts, a billiards room, a library, a sauna and a gym. It’s definitely fit for royalty. Long before Lamar’s languid tones lifted the rafters, the Queen herself graced the ornate ballroom many a time. With neighbours like Boy George and George
Michael, whoever forks out for the place is guaranteed a gay old time.

Musical Snooze on New Booze Rules

Seven out of ten owners and managers of small venues were found to be unaware of the need to reapply for their licenses as part of the government’s overhaul of drinking and entertainment laws. Most appear to have simply given up on the complicated and expensive application process. Great news for those who don’t want distractions during their 24-hour drinking binges.

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