Mayors, Nightmares and Marias

Simon Cowell and the two biggest jobs in London

Reality television is a wonderful thing, a true miracle of 21st century civilisation. Real human beings now live entirely in harmony with one another, all their bad and aggressive feelings happily steered away from their colleagues, acquaintances and former lovers and directed towards that plastic-boobed psycho Nikki from Big Brother.

But in the wrong hands, even the modern world’s finest creations can be used for evil. And right now, the benign power of reality TV is about to wreak untold damage in the hands of two hugely sinister figures: Andrew Lloyd Webber and David Cameron.

In spite of the fact that Webber last wrote a decent song when we had a socialist government (ask your parents), he has retained his iron grip on London’s theatreland through investing smartly in some excellent shows by other people. His latest wheeze is a stage production of ‘The sound of Music'. ‘Good idea!’ I hear you cry. ‘It’s the best musical ever. It’ll be amazing on the stage’.

Except... the role of Maria is to be cast by open audition and public vote. And we all know what that means. Transvestites! Enormous silicone implants! People who wobble every note and make mad breathy noises! I mean, I love Jade Goody as much as anyone, but if they let the public start text-messaging in their votes, she’d be a shoe-in, and I for one do not fancy having my memories of ‘The Hills are Alive…’ ruined by a gravel-voiced simpleton from Bermondsey, however entertaining she may be after three bottles of white wine.

And then there’s David Cameron, who went to Eton, and has probably never watched a reality TV show, or had a conversation with an ordinary Londoner other than “The Ritz, please, my good man. And there’s a shiny sovereign in it for you if I’m there in less than half an hour.”

He’s decided that the Tory candidate for London mayor will be decided by public vote, in an ‘X-Facor-style audition’. And we all know what that means. Transvestites! Enormous silicone implants! Giant slabs of testosterone and aggression with their brains in their biceps! I’m genuinely in favour of London having a Moslem mayor. I think it would do wonders for race relations. But I’m not sure that it should be Chico ‘What time is it?’ Slimani. He’d definitely win the public vote, and he’s a much better dancer than Ken, but I wouldn’t want him in charge of anything larger than a chorus line.

The only plus side to both of these horrors, is that they will make wonderful, wonderful television. I can’t wait to see Sharon Osbourne giving Anne Widdicombe a sisterly hug when she went out of the Tory candidate race. Or failed in her attempt to become the new Maria. Either way, I’m going to be glued to the box throughout, totally gripped and shuddering with fear.

Pool Gets Posh

Brockwell Park Lido in south London is set to get a £2.5 million re-vamp. The refurbishment of the Grade II listed building and its outdoor pool - affectionately known as “Brixton Beach” - will include a spa, sauna, fitness suite and hydrotherapy pool.

No more hotels in Park Lane

The London version of the classic board game Monopoly has been updated by games maker Parker with new locations and a more up-to-date, “scientific approach” to property prices. Venues now include Wapping, Primrose Hill and Brixton Hill, while Old Kent Road and Park Lane have been removed from the board. Selling at a bank-breaking £4m Kensington Palace Gardens has replaced Mayfair as the most expensive spot to buy.

Grim Designs

London’s Centrepoint tower is one of a number of buildings in the capital nominated as part of nationwide search for country’s worst designed buildings. The Commission for Architecture and the Built Environment launched the survey in a bit to draw attention to the costs of bad design.

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