A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain

But Jade represents London pretty well...

Last Friday, I was drinking in Soho with an unfortunate schoolfriend who has ended up working in advertising. The running joke of the evening among his man-bag toting colleagues, shouted gleefully at anyone they found irritating, was

“You Do Not Fit the Brand Values of Carphone Warehouse!”

This, for anyone who has been living in a hole recently – or whose perspective on current affairs isn’t wholly based around the world of advertising – refers to Celebrity Big Brother’s sponsors, who have pulled out of the show, disgusted by the behaviousr of Londoner Jade Goody.

Say what you like about Bermondsey’s favourite daughter, but she makes fantastic television. Remember Big Brother 3? Crowds of thousands gathered outside The House to chant “Kill the pig!” (these are, of course, exactly the same people who are now angriest about Jade’s "bullying"). This recent Celebrity series has been rescued from utter tedium to such an extent that The London Paper’s front page on the Friday in question was “A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain”.

Entertainment value aside, Jade is clearly a uniquely unpleasant individual: stupid, argumentative and utterly self-absorbed. However, I do think that many Londoners should be a little careful about accusing her of racism. What Jade suffers from is that particular London breed of xenophobia that is wholly colour-blind, but utterly despises anyone born outside the Capital. Jade would have meted out just the same treatment to her attractive, classy housemate if Shilpa had hailed from Paris, Preston or Pittsburgh. And my drinking partners that Friday were equally clear in their contempt for anybody who didn’t work in the London media, listen to London bands and DJs, or get drunk in Soho.

The question I found myself asking, as we were forcibly evicted from The Crown and Two Chairmen, was whether Jade was really a more loathsome figure than Reza the spiky-haired Brand Marketing Planner, whose reaction to being caught hoovering lines of coke in the Gents toilets was to repeatedly shout “You Do Not Fit the Brand Values of Carphone Warehouse!” at the charming Czech barmaid. Any chance we could borrow Jade’s lynch mob for a few days to hunt him down?

£170,000 Cupboard in Chelsea

A lightless, rubble-filled, former janitor’s cupboard measuring 11ft by 7ft has recently been put on the market for £170,000. The £169,500 discrepancy between its real value and its actual price can be explained by its location in the heart of Chelsea, home to so many of London’s wealthiest idiots. The estate agent selling the property describes it as "particularly depressing".

School's Out

The legendary music venue described in the Clash’s ‘(White Man) in Hammersmith Palais’ is finally to be bulldozed after decades of playing host to raucous gigs and raves. The Palais became famous in the 1970s playing host to punk and reggae bands which more respectable venues wouldn’t touch with a bargepole. Though it continues to offer guitar gigs, its recent history has been more focused on teenage black tie snogathons, jungle raves, and the boozy orgy that is School Disco. A sad departure for one of the most impressively sordid night-spots in the city.

Wembley Bowl

The steroid-tastic world of American football is seeking to restore its popularity in London with a game at Wembley stadium. Previous Gridiron matches in London have been pre-season friendlies, or involved joke-team the London Monarchs. This match will be a genuine, competitive game between the Miami Dolphins and the New York Giants - only the second NFL game ever to take place outside the United States in the history of the league.

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