Stand Behind the Yellow Line

Your Next Train May Not Arrive

It appears Londoners have got a lot of time to rail against the Tube. No need to stop press for this one! Sherlock Holmes would have no trouble unravelling this crime and pointing the finger of blame. Well, not if he tried to get on the Tube at Baker Street anyway. In fact, if you’d been wandering around London in a semi-conscious daze for the past decade you would still have noticed – the Tube is not really on time.

Now, a survey has merely confirmed what commuters tapping their feet, glancing at their watches, lolling their heads already know - there are more delays lasting 15 minutes or more now then ten years ago, 84 more to be precise.

In other news it has been revealed that we spend more than 15 days a year travelling to and from work. For us poor unfortunates using the Tube this means a large chunck of that time is spent feeling stressed before we’ve even arrived at our desks and had that crucial first cup of coffee.

Whilst pondering why, despite billions of pounds, the trains are still so unreliable I’ve come to the conclusion that the Tube people simply can’t tell the time. If those electronic boards that tell you when the next train is due are anything to go by this must be the case. Many times I’ve looked up and seen ‘Northern Line 1 min’ and thought ‘great, just in time’ and still been waiting there well over 60 seconds later. OK, so I actually counted but I had to do something to quell my rising anger at being blatantly lied to!

On one particularly depressing occasion I was attempting to get the last Tube home (naïve I know) from London Bridge. The evil board was counting down the time, wrongly, from ‘10 mins’ and when it got to ‘1 min’ it just disappeared. Not the train - that never arrived - but there was no record of where it went, no announcement to say it was cancelled, just an empty platform and the prospect of a £25 cab journey home.

And the sheer expense of it all makes it worse. Firstly we’re told we must own Oyster cards - let’s not pretend there’s a choice in the matter unless you want to be robbed in broad daylight by the ticket machine. I grant you, other things do get more expensive but that’s because they get quicker, have a new design, are made with more megapixels per second. Not so with the Tube. We just throw money at it and it gets worse.

We’re terribly British about the whole thing and wouldn’t have anybody from out of town (good grief, don’t mention the Metro) pouring scorn on our beloved Tube but there is a limit! If you bought something in a shop that was as rubbish you’d definitely take it back – maybe we could point the Tube, the Northern Line in particular, in the direction of Transport for London and just get them to take it back. And then they could pedestrianise London and everyone would be happier…but that’s another story altogether!

Take Me to the Gorillas

Black Cab drivers are being given the chance to extend their Knowledge by getting off the road and travelling into Africa - without leaving London. Used to dropping tourists off at the gate of London Zoo, cabbies and their families can visit for free between 11th and 14th May and navigate their way around the 36 acre site, which is home to hundreds of animals.

A Different Planet

Chelsea meets the cosmos at this year's flower show as roses and petunias (so last century) make way for plants that could grow in outer space. Designer Sarah Eberle is creating a terrestrial space garden located on planet Mars - "600 Days with Bradstone" belongs to an astronaut on a 600-day tour and is said to be within the realms of scientific possibility.

On Top of the Iceberg

As temperatures soar in London, there’ll be one place this summer to positively chill out as the Natural History Museum creates an Antarctic experience. Visitors, taking on the role of Ice Cadets, will be plunged into a sub-zero world (with protective clothing!) where they can ride snowmobiles, survive in complete darkness and visit a penguin colony. All in the middle of South Kensington from 25th May.

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