London On A Tray

Now you're spoiling us

Forget diamonds, butlers are a girl’s best friend. They’re there to pick out your outfit for you, iron your newspaper and do all the heavy lifting – not forgetting the important duty of answering the door; well, it can be very tiresome getting up, operating the handle and putting on the welcoming smile. The modern day butler is also on hand to solve any quandary, from dating advice to what to wear with those skinny jeans. Sweetly, he would never ever say the skinny jeans should be left at the back of the wardrobe.

Have you noticed though how few of these modern day heroes are around today? Not a lot. I sadly haven’t been keeping one in the space under my stairs and, come to think of it, haven’t seen one since the Jeeves and Wooster days.

Luckily, and just in time for Christmas shopping – so exhausting – Regent Street is putting on a weekend butler service to help alleviate the shopping stress for us damsels in search of some retail comfort. Next time you’re stranded between Massimo Dutti and Max Mara, desperately trying to hail a cab, get the butler to do it for you. It’ll save you from the indignity of flailing your arms around in public.

The team of seven (any connection to the dwarfs, do you think?) smartly uniformed helpers would put Santa’s elves to shame. Working hard to find your perfect presents, they can advise on where to get those Wedgwood plates for gran, Austin Reed suit for him or the iPod phone for the luckiest person on your list – surely the most longed for gift this Christmas. The personal shopper just got replaced.

It’s all wonderfully decadent and old fashioned but it doesn’t quite go far enough. What I’d like to see is free rickshaw rides between the shops – walking is even more tiring than getting the credit card out. And what with London Transport costs, it’d be so much more helpful than someone just pointing you in the right direction. What? I have to walk there? How about some refreshments on the way too; butlers carrying silver trays of mince pies and champagne are what’s called for – then London really would be a capital worth coming to. Prince Harry might even be tempted to leave Chelsea (not Chelsy – not so soon after the reunion, anyway) and head to Regent Street for a spot of crimbo shopping with the hoi polloi.

Holidaying in some smart places, as you do, one of the most luxurious things you can do is have a bath drawn by the butler. Think it’s silly? Honestly, if you get the opportunity, try it. The closest I can compare it to is having a cup of tea made for you. Tastes so much better than when you make it yourself doesn’t it? It’s one of those things that’s just true. Like that damn elusive sock that gets lost in the wash leaving you with a draw full of mis-matching odd ones. No one knows why it’s true, it just is.

If watching Britain’s most famous living butler, Paul Burrell, bush tucker trialling in the jungle has tarnished your image of these honourable gentlemen, think again. Or, better still, stroll down Regent Street and have your shopping carried for you. Next stop, Bond Street.

Ewan Sells Out

Demand for tickets to see Othello at the Donmar Warehouse has become so feverish that tickets are going for upwards of £100 for the sold out show. The excellent Chiwetel Ejiofor plays the title role and Kelly Reilly is Desdemona but surely the main attraction is Ewan McGregor who stars as Iago. Last seen on the London stage in the award-winning ‘Guys & Dolls’, McGregor returns to the stage after a two-year break. Prior to that he last trod the boards in 2000 in the West End production of ‘Little Malcolm and His Struggle Against The Eunuchs’. No wonder tickets are exchanging hands for five times their original price.

(Don't) Chew On This

A food supplier delivered rancid meat to top London hotels, government offices and hospitals including the Treasury, Westminster School and The Dorchester and Claridges hotels. A former employee of the now defunct McLaren Foods, described the rotten meat they would deliver in the following delightful terms: “Every time you opened the door it would hit you straight away.” On one occasion Claridges sent back an order of 250 sirloin steaks because they were green. Steak well done, anyone?

Who's Rubbish at Recycling?

In the same week that Greenwich was named the greenest borough in the city – and Tower Hamlets shamed as the least green (making it the brownest?) – it was revealed that more than half of central Government offices have no idea if they even have a recycling scheme at all. Not only that, Britain lags behind the rest of EU on recycling household waste; on average, more than a fifth (approaching 23%) gets recycled – one of the lowest rates in Europe. With this in mind Tower Hamlets’ pitiful 11.8% is indeed rubbish.

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