Predictions for 2010

LondonTown's resident Mystic Meg peers into the 2010 crystal ball

Boris caught drinking on the Tube, a royal wedding, an Italian coach streaking through Chelsea and open-top bus celebrations in July... Read what will happen this year in London before it, er, happens.

January: Gordon Brown tries to increase his popularity at the polls with a brief cameo on EastEnders but is angered when a last-minute change in the script pins the blame for Alfie's murder on the shoulders of the beleaguered prime minister. Elsewhere, £255,000 is raised for charity after the Leicester Square Theatre and the Hammersmith Apollo introduce a swear box for the latest shows by foul-mouthed Scottish comedians Jerry Sadowitz and Billy Connolly.

February: Prince William announces his engagement to Kate Middleton on Valentine's Day days before Prince Harry, keen to steal back some limelight from his brother, gets spliced to Chelsy Davy in a Las Vegas-style wedding in Boujis. Derren Brown wins an award at the BAFTAS and then tries to prove to a live TV audience just how he did it. In the world of teeny-pop, the X Factor Live Tour gets underway, but without colourful Irish twins Jonathan and Edward, who are banned from entering the capital after a Facebook campaign allegedly set up in City Hall gains momentum.

March: The West End is filled with white rabbits, dodos and grinning Cheshire Cats in anticipation of the release of Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. There is a coinciding terrorism alert when thousands of suspicious bottles and cakes marked "Drink Me" and "Eat Me" are found on the tube - but Johnny Depp, dressed as a pirate but wearing a large top hat, diffuses the situation via the medium of a rather twisted song, prompting thousands to think that Michael Jackson has returned from the grave. On TV, the eagerly anticipated election debate between Gordon Brown and David Cameron stinks of dumbing-down when the two political leaders are simply put on opposing sides on Have I Got News For You, hosted by Ken Livingstone.

April: In between a lot of rain, a heavily slurring Whitney Houston leaves London after just one of her agreed three nights at The O2 Arena after eloping with one of her bodyguards. New Doctor Who, Matt Smith, makes his bow on TV but the BBC is left red-faced after the show is beaten in the ratings war by a re-run of the old David Tennant series on BBC3 and Dave.

May: Chelsea coach Carlo Ancelotti keeps his word and runs naked around Stamford Bridge after his side beat Wigan on the last day of the season to steal the Premier League title from under the noses of London rivals Arsenal, who lose at home to Fulham due to an own goal by former Blues defender William Gallas. Russell Crowe, promoting his new film Robin Hood, plays a series of gigs as singing alter ego Rus Le Roq, prompting inevitable tabloid headlines involving the simple swapping of an R for a C. In Oslo, Jedward surprise even themselves by winning the Eurovision song contest with a record-breaking points total for their song This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us.

June: David Cameron wins the general election but is immediately replaced by William Hague as the Conservative Party leader and Prime Minister after new pictures from the infamous Oxford Bullingdon Club find the light of day. An outgoing Gordon Brown blames his poor performance at the polls on an electoral scheduling clash with Rod Stewart's three gigs at The O2 Arena. John Prescott is arrested at Heathrow for refusing to pass through a full-body scanner following a typically lavish meal.

July: England's scheduled open-top bus ride through the streets of London in celebration of winning the World Cup in Cape Town is cancelled after a penalty shoot out defeat in the final at the hands of Germany. But an unexpected win for Bradley Wiggins in the Tour de France sees the bus rolled out anyway - although the occasion is soured after a woman riding home from work is knocked off her own bike by the bus on a dangerous left turn. David Beckham vows to play on until 2018.

August: Mayor Boris Johnson is lambasted by all and sundry after banning alcohol at the Notting Hill Carnival. Further embarrassment is heaped on the mayor after The Sun prints pictures of the bike-loving blond politician allegedly holding a can of Special Brew on the Central Line. In his column in The Daily Telegraph, Boris claims the allegations are "an inverted pyramid of piffle, a mere political game of whiff-whaff". But he also concedes that the Olympic Javelin Train will be named the Shot Put Shuttle after the service is slowed dramatically by the current heat-wave.

September: Boris is in the news again after he is caught back-stage at London Fashion Week eating a platter of strong smelling sushi. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny eels," claims the mayor, who appears in The Mirror under the headline "King Pong Is Coming Home". Former Conservative Party leader David Cameron's wife Samantha is the star of the show with her debut range of clothes and accessories. Husband Dave is forced to stand at her side at every given moment, offering her support and kissing her at regular intervals while sporting the latest in the M&S suit range.

October: Controversy reigns at the 2010 Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition at the Natural History Museum when it emerges that the winning entry - supposedly of a rare Kazakh pigmy puma - was in fact a picture of a domestic black cat taken on an iPhone. BJ becomes the father for the fifth time with the birth of a son, Vespasian Stevie Johnson.

November: Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson start dating Kate Moss and Peter Doherty respectively after box office returns for the final Harry Potter film are lower than expected. No one turns up to JLS's concert at The O2 Arena primarily because no one can remember who they are. Meanwhile, there is a rally of I-told-you-sos after the majority of the audience of Frankie Boyle's show I'd Happily Punch You All In The Face emerge from the Hammersmith Apollo with bloodied noses.

December: A green policy drawn up by Tory environment minister David Cameron sees a Norway Spruce Christmas Tree actually planted in Trafalgar Square "where it can grow all year round and not just at Christmas". Jonathan and Edward take time out from filming the latest Woody Allen film in London to switch on the festive lights above Regent Street. On Christmas Day, Victoria Beckham gives birth to her and David's fourth son, which they call Jesus Cortina. Oh, and the escalator at Earls Court Tube finally reopens on New Year's Eve after a seven-month refurbishment programme.

Gallery Snares Cut-Price Chagall

The London Jewish Museum of Art announced it had pulled off a coup by snapping up a Marc Chagall painting for just £26,600. The small gallery in St Johns Wood spotted the picture, which experts feel could be worth more than £1m, at a Paris auction back in October. The 1945 gouache, entitled Apocalypse in Lilac, Capriccio, and depicting the persecution of the Jews in the second world war, will be unveiled at Mayfair's Osbourne Samuel gallery in early January.

Tube Fares Go Off the Rails

No seasonal cheer from Transport for London, who have announced above-inflation prices rises across the board for the start of 2010. Average Tube fares have gone up by 3.9% while bus passengers have been hit by a 12.7% slap in the face. Oyster card users also face a 20p rise per journey, although passengers using suburban overland rail services may get cheaper fares after Oyster cards roll into action on certain train routes. Mayor Boris Johnston said the "hard" rises would enable "huge improvements in our quality of life".

Fans Flock to Twickenham

A record crowd of 76,716 rugby fans braved the cold snap to watch Wasps sting Harlequins with a narrow 21-20 win at Twickenham on the Sunday after Christmas. The clash was dubbed The Big Game II after last year's inaugural event, which saw Quins draw 26-26 to Leicester in front of around 50,000 spectators. With tickets available at a cut-price £10, the annual festive event is certainly proving a hit with the punters.

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