Hotels near Umbaba

New concept bar in the heart of the West End owned by the same group as China Whites, with an 'African' theme. Members must purchase a passport for the Republic of Umbaba, for £500, but for the moment they are still admitting civilians if you ring ahead. There's a buzz about this place but our roving reporter did not enjoy it.

He sent the following report by the medium of text: 'Surrounded by the cream of the aristocracy. Rich and thick. Help. I want to leave but I have left my coat in one of the Elephant's feet.'

Sobered up and more fully debriefed, our agent conceded that perhaps his reaction to Umbaba had been tempered by a dislike of all things upper class. Diligent reporters that we are, (and hideous social climbers into the bargain) we girded our loins for a second visit.

Umbaba is undoubtedly beautiful, and the hotch potch Africanised furniture is very comfortable as well. However, the 'African' theme is a little uncomfortable when conjoined with an incredibly wealthy crowd and a stolidly dull R'n'B music policy. Either these guys are very earnest and pretentious, or they're sniggering into their sleeves like Prince Harry in his SS uniform.

Drinks are excellent, if very expensive. You also need to book a table which will set you back enough for a week's boozing around the corner in Soho. The crowd are extremely well-to-do, and dressed up as well which gives the place a pleasantly decadent feel. However, this is very much a place to be seen and if you're not a socialite you may find the superficial conversation and glances over your shoulder a little hard to take. Also, you won't pull in any meaningful way unless you bring enough money to start your own coup.